February 9, 2007

The Guardian


Ok, ok, personally I'm not a big Ashton Kutcher fan. I think it's something about his whiny voice that instantanously makes me look the other way for everything he does. But for some reason he didn't bother me so much in this film, but I think that's because he's treated like a total bitch the entire movie.

The Guardian is a complex character study of rescue swimmers serving in the Coast Guard's search and rescue team. Focusing the film on people rather than their job is a smart move, because frankly search and rescue oriented action movies almost never work. Saving people just isn't as glamorous as we like to make it sound. Real heroes are nothing like Rambo or John McClane, they're quiet guys who simply go to work and get their job done.

Kevin Costner is one of those quiet guys, and he gets the job done better than almost anyone. He's the Coast Guard's mostly heavily decorated rescue swimmer, and though now long past forty he's still best of the best at what he does. When a rescue mission goes awry, wiping out his entire support team, he ends up questioning whether he's stayed on the job too long. Physically he's still up to the task, but have years of trauma and stress have taken their toll mentally on Costner.

To find the answer, his commander forces him to take a job as a trainer of new rescue swimmer recruits. Mixed in with his class is Ashton, but the film takes its time in making Fischer its focus. At first, except for a cocky smirk and the fact that he looks like Ashton Kutcher, Fischer sort of blends into the crowd. Usually a movie like this singles the special recruit out right away, but The Guardian just sort of drops hints, building and building on the character until somewhere about midway through the film he's fully front and center. Still, the script never fully abandons its team concept. Rescue swimmers have to rely on each other, and I like the way the movie continues paying at least some service to that philosophy throughout, even with the Coster/Kutcher Hollywood lineup.

As a way of getting to know exactly what it takes to do the dangerous jobs these guys do, The Guardian does a great job. If you're a member of the Coast Guard, you're probably going to throw out a few "Hell Yeahs" through the movie. But for the rest of us, though the characters and performances are strong, the film runs a little long and stays a little dry...even though 80% of the movie is soaked in water....

I like how character oriented it tries to be, but it almost goes overboard, spending too much time sitting around in bars knocking back beers, at tables sipping coffee, or in houses where Costner and Kutcher's characters banter with their women. Sure all that builds more into the characters, but at some point enough is enough. We get the picture, let's get this plot moving. Unfortunately, that IS the plot.

Final Thoughts: 6/10


As a documentary on the Discovery channel rescue swimming might be exciting, as a movie it's a little harder to keep my attention that long. Even though I'm not a big Kutcher fan or even a Costner fan, I felt the pairing of the duo was quite believable and didn't seem like a hokey Hollywood matchup.

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Disaster!: The Movie


I guess the movie might be funnier if I was blitz out of my mind, but it's antics are so poorly done that I think that even that would be a stretch.

It's advertised as "It's hilarious claymation catastrophe in director Roy T. Wood's animated send-up of blockbuster sci-fi disaster films." Well "claymation catastrophe" pretty much sums it up. It's not that the animation is horrible it's just not that good. If the guys from Robot Chicken or South Park did the movie, then it would of made me piss my pants. At least they would have made the script work! A little like the Team America makers decided to save the budget by using wax puppets and use the saved cash for drugs. After watching the entirety of Disaster!, I wasn't surprised to find that director Wood, had made a previous animated short film called "Star Trak", which had the "Star Trek" crew traveling to help the Turds on Uranus.

The plot follows the Armageddon script and has some very recognizable scenes almost exactly taken from, it well, momentarily to change drastically and create humour this way and it works! If you like your puppet comedies tough, go and see this one. If you mind bad language and/or explicit themes and scenes, maybe reconsider ultimately it's Armageddon with puppets. Upon the discovery of a planetoid, yes they use planetoid...I guess they thought it was funnier than astoriod or what not...heading straight for Earth, which would surely destroy civilization as we know it upon impact. The government, working with the space agency known as ASSA...I can't control the laughter...sigh....hire on the services of Harry Bottoms, one of the world's leading volcano experts, to head up a mission into space to stop the planetoid, with assistance from other disaster specialists. Other various characters include, V.D. Johnson, Sandy Melons, and Donkey Dixon. I could go on but do I really need to?

FINAL THOUGHTS: 2/10


I don't want this review to come off the wrong way, I'm no prude. I find sex, poop and fart jokes as funny as most guys do, but as used here it would be like if American Pie had Jason Biggs Jizz into a Pie in every scene.

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Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms


First let me give you a background on my thoughts on Hellboy in general so to not bias anyone about my review. I have never actually read the comics and had only seen random imagery from the comics before the live action movie was released in 2004.

I found the live action movie a good mix between the special effects, makeup, and general design very promising. I am an avid fan of director Guillermo del Toro and thought the cast of the film was equally fitting. Even the plot of the film was done in a new way of which I really couldn’t compare anything else to it. I can’t say that the movie gave my eyes boners or exploded my nut sack, but I didn’t NOT like the movie. To this day I still can’t pin point what would have pushed the live action movie into a mind stabbing, fucking no holds bared awesome action flick, but I digress….on to Hellboy: Animated Sword of Storms.

Almost the entire original cast from the live action film reprises their roles in the animated film. Ron Perlman (Hellboy) is really an underrated actor. Part of his being chosen to play Hellboy in del Toro's live action flick was his expressive face, which doesn't lose any of its range even behind make-up. This cartoon also demonstrates what a strong speaking voice he has. Part of what makes Hellboy so charming is his hangdog approach to his work, and Perlman makes great use of every utterance of tired acceptance when another pummeling is coming the big guy's way. Only he could turn "Oh, crap" into a catchphrase. However joining him on this mission I’m guessing are characters not introduced in the film but from the comic are Kate Corrigan and a half ass psychic of which I can’t even remember his name.

The film starts off in an action scene right away, with the team finishing off a prior mission filled with zombies and giant bat creatures. I mean come on who doesn’t like a few zombies here and there. There does seem to be a little bit of continuity errors involving the bat in this scene but that is totally a nit pick.

From here, the film then jumps to a completely different story line of scientist discovering a long lost scroll, describing the premise for the entire movie. The scroll tells about two demons, Thunder and Lightning, had forged a deal with an Emperor to have him give up his daughter to stop their terror they were releasing on his lands. However, an unnamed lone samurai is in love with the Emperor’s daughter and hides her away from the demons and the emperor. The samurai had a magical sword with which he fought off the demons, but unfortunately was never able to reunite with his love. At this point I looked to myself and was like; I thought the overall plot seemed a little off for their first movie. I’m surprised it didn’t have anything to do with Nazis or any connection to the live action to pull me in. It just stuck in my craw that the first film after the live action film had to deal with some Asian storyline. It seemed like that was more fitting for a third or fourth film.

Well to not give away all plot points, Hellboy discovers the sword, and a mystical fox spirit leads him out of his regular world into a magic realm that is stuck back in the feudal period when the sword was created. Hellboy soon finds out that he won't be able to get back to his own time and place unless he destroys the sword, freeing the demons Thunder and Lightning and thus allowing them to unleash a set of destructive dragons on the Earth. His journey there seems to follow or mimic some Japanese myths, pitting Hellboy against black widow women, floating vampire heads, and seductive ladies with necks that can stretch to any length to entangle a man. Most fun, though, is the Kappa, a sort of water demon that is one of the strangest things you will ever see.

This is some of the best non-theatrical animation I've seen in a while, however I must note that it’s not exclusively for kids. Nor is it entirely adult. It's somewhere between Saturday morning kiddie fare and the level of grimness in the movie. If your kids saw the live-action Hellboy and were fine with it, then you can show them Sword of Storms. The violence isn't too gory, they do use real guns and not fake laser beams like GI-Joe did, and people do die. The language is pretty tame, with "damn", “crap” "dumbass" being as bad as it gets.

FINAL THOUGHTS: 8/10


Hellboy Animated: Sword of Storms is an entertaining extension of the Hellboy franchise. The animators have stayed faithful to the earlier versions of the character, giving us a new adventure with some cool supernatural creatures from Japanese mythology. You can out of the box understand why this was chosen as an animated version instead of a live action version, almost in every scene there’s some sort of special effect or character that would have put a live action version’s budget into Waterworld territory. Strong, stylized animation brings the characters to life and delivers inspired action sequences, making for a quality feature rather than just some knock-off sequel. Extensive background materials make this a fun interactive experience, as well. Despite the fact that the plot really should be a third or fourth entry in the collection it is a truly excellent DVD.

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